Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
