we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
