i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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