On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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