why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
