were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize