oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
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