Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
