We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
