for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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