Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
