I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Ladies don't puke and tell
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
