i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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