Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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