i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
