I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I need to calm my uterus...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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