U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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