I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
