You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
