Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
