the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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