I wish I could punch you in the face.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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