I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize