DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
