Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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