Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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