I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
