i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
