if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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