I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Randomize