She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
