GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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