the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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