I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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