you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
