Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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