Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
