I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
