Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
