you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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