Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
