Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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