Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
