got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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