The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Why is there bacon in the couch?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
