i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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