I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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