coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
