I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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