I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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