I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
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