if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
