I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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