Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
