I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
