quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
