I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
