my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We are all done wearing pants today
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Never joke about your clitoris.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize