After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
