Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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